Thursday, October 28, 2010

the past six months..give or take

Six Months Ago....
I would've told you I was getting married on October 23, 2010 (i.e. 5 days ago). 
I would've led you to believe I had a wonderful relationship (that's what most of my friends thought).
I would've shown you the picture of the dress I wanted.
I might have even told you I really wanted a family someday.
Inevitably, you would have met him, my fiance, that guy I was "head over heels for,"
that guy I could really barely stand.
We looked happy.
At least that's what people said.
We seemed like we had everything together.
How far from the truth.
The truth...
I nearly hated him (I don't anymore).
He made me feel like the most worthless person in the world.
He didn't respect me, but neither did I.
He was my best friend.
Really, he was my only friend.
He saw me through my worst, 
but then again, I might not have hit so low if it weren't for him.
I loved him.
I think he loved me, 
but I'm not really sure anymore.
The funny part...
Neither of us could say good-bye.
We both knew we needed to.
If it weren't for one big fight, 
we probably would've made to the altar.
We're still friends.
I guess.
I mean we talk sometimes,
hang out every now and then.
Help each other out whenever one of us hits a really rough spot.
I guess it's a little messed up really.
Post Break-up...
We lived together.
I needed out of my house.
He understood that I was going to lose it if I stayed there.
I pretty much lost it anyways living with him.
We shared an apartment for three months
I started college...
I did the whole summer school thing (while I was living with Jeff).
I had one semi-serious boyfriend (mistake).
I had one shitty job (also a mistake).
I went to counseling only to be told I couldn't be helped without a parent's signature.
I really needed it (probably still do).
 I came out of the summer with a decent gpa (3.5).
I learned that I didn't want to be an english major.
I moved into a dorm..
After a summer full of drama.
I couldn't stand it any longer.
I stayed at my mom's house for the three days before my move-in date.
I was going to try and make my relationship with john work.
It didn't, it was my fault,
I felt bad at the time, but honestly 
I don't care that much anymore.
I'm done with guys that feel like one mistake means that they can be dick-holes.
More or less...
Summer sucked (minus a few moments of awesomeness)
I did some things I probably shouldn't have.
I got hurt more than once.
Life goes on.
  
Now that we're in the present 

I still live in a dorm.
I hate it more than almost anything else.
I go to classes.
I hate most of them. 
I'm really not doing that well in them.
I'll probably fall out of the honors program after this semester.
I seriously have considered dropping out.
I don't know what I want to do.
I know that for the most part, 
I'm not happy at school.
But, for now my plan is to stay because
I don't have a job.
Or a car.
And until I can feasibly support myself.
I won't leave school (unless of course I flunk out).
I have a new boyfriend
I like him for all of the following reasons plus much lots more:
1. He's super duper nice.
2. He genuinely respects me and my desires.
3. He likes that I'm an independent person (btw. I'm regaining that super independent streak I once had)
4. When he pulls me into a giant hug, he looks me in the eyes before giving me a kiss.
5. He makes delicious breakfast. lol. :P 

More or less. He's just a pretty cool guy. He isn't surrounded by a bunch of bull shit drama. And I actually enjoy spending time with him.
It's kind of neat, we actually dated, like legitimately went out on dates and talked to one another, for like two weeks before we became a couple.  I think that's how things are supposed to work (or at least it worked well for us).

Life...
Can be a bitch sometimes,
But I guess if I take in all the good
and ignore some of the bad,
and think really really hard about the double rainbow song,
I smile quite a bit.
Really it could be a lot worse,
and things are finally looking up. :)