I've been trying

To write for days now.
Trying to find the time to myself to just sit down and breath.
And most importantly trying to find some r&r***

***relaxation and reflection

not rest and relaxation

So here I am on this chilly Tuesday evening sitting at my computer. 

I have the time to write (although I should be studying I suppose).

I have the will to write (obviously as I'm writing right now).

However, where to begin?

Thanksgiving.

Oh, joyous Thanksgiving. What can I say? Mine was fairly enjoyable. Better than several Thanksgivings past.  I ate twice (in the same day), got to see some of those folks I miss quite often, and shockingly wasn't heckled about anything (that day).

My momma made a delicious dinner.  I wish my teeny tiny dorm had a fridge so that I could have brought home leftovers (I should have at least grabbed some pie).  Dylan's mom made a tasty Thanksgiving lunch as well (as a product of being over at Dylan's house throughout the following weekend, I did enjoy some of those leftovers haha).  I'm pretty sure my family likes my new boyfriend (aforementioned as Dylan ^_^), or at very least they seemed to like him. 

To sum it up...Thanksgiving went well. Much better than anticipated.

The Battle of the Boot

FUCK YES!!!!!!!

Does that adequately describe how thrilled I was as I watched the Arkansas Razorbacks (i.e then #12 in the BCS poll) defeat the #5 (also in the BCS poll) LSU Tigers last Saturday?

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

Pretty much, best game this season. When combined with the incredible atmosphere of game-day Buffalo Wild Wings and lots of football fan friends, holy shit, God shined his light upon me that day.

It was like for this one game Arkansas defied all of their terrible reputations.  Our defense played well, our QB didn't act a fool, and oh-my-god, we even had a running game.  

IT WAS SOOOOOOO SPECTACULAR.

Oh! and now we're ranked #7 in the BCS (LSU dropped to number 10) 

Other than that...

I'm ready for this semester to end (ONLY 2 WEEKS LEFT THANK GOD!!!).   

I need to figure out what I'm doing over Christmas break.

Need to clean my room.

Need to find a job.

Need to get a car...

okay basically there are a lot of things I need to do.

Oh well.

I'll figure it all out in due time.

free.

Yesterday, I fell down a flight of stairs.  No exaggeration, I fell from the top stair all the way to the bottom.  It hurt. Today it still hurts.  It's probably going to hurt again tomorrow.  

But, I will be okay.  Within a week [or so] the bruises will heal, I'll laugh off the embarrassment, and my muscles will stop tensing every time I near a staircase. I will heal.  Given time, all wounds will heal.

I read "Love in a Fallen City" by Eileen Chang [or Zhang Ailing if you prefer].  It was absolutely amazing; definitely one of the best short stories I have read.  I've discovered that I am rather found of Asian literature.  I think it's because it always reminds me of my mother.  She has always greatly admired Asian cultures. 

I think I'll reread The Good Earth soon or maybe I'll opt for Their Eyes Were Watching God.  I've done a good bit of reading today and realized how much I miss just reading for reading's sake.  I tried to restart Anna Karenina but sadly I think it might be years before I can grapple with that one. 

I'm thinking of postponing my job hunt until next semester.  It seems like a great deal of time to take off looking for work, but my schedule for next semester is packed, and I really need to do well in all of my classes.  I'm a little bummed because I could really use some source of income, but I have to be realistic.  God, reality sucks sometimes.  Oh well, at least ramen noodles are super duper cheap :)

I'm trying to think....I don't guess anything else really extraordinary happened today.  Oh, I went to most of my classes.  Great feat is great.  The world is still scary, but I'm feeling a little more like the Brave Little Toaster everyday. 

healing.

I've been told that healing is a process.
It's a long, drawn out, painful process; one that will make you cry out in pain;
one that will bring you to your knees; one that will kick you when you've hit rock bottom.
All of the memories are bittersweet.
Everything reminds you of something else, something you never want to think of again.

I'm healing.
Everyday the past is a little further removed.  
Je regarde le ciel.  C'est une nouvelle journee. 
C'est la vie.
Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.
I repeat those words to myself. I think of how far I've come.
I take a deep breath. All will be well. 
In time all will be well. 


I tell myself I'm healing. I tell myself it isn't just getting worse.
I want to believe it.
I try to believe it. 
I tell others how much better everything is now. I tell them that I'm strong, that life carries on. 
"There are no worries," I smile and say. 
It's a fake smile on my face; a smile I've plastered on so many times its habit. I cover even the slightest cracks with a temporary facade. 
 

They have no idea how broken I am inside. They haven't the slightest idea how terrified I am to breath, to open my eyes, to live.  No body has a clue how scared I am to even leave my room.  I could stay here forever.  I could lie in bed everyday and never feel guilty.  I could lie there and feel safe, secure. I could live in a delusion.  Really, the ones who don't know are the ones who save me.  The ones that keep me going.  If only they could realize how important they are.  How all of them are heroes.  How they've all saved me in one way or another.  

today, everything hurts

She looks into the mirror. A stranger blinks in reply. Who is that? Who could be standing in her mirror, in my mirror? I don't know where she went, that girl, that girl that smiled everyday. That girl that could take on everything. I don't remember where I lost her, but she's gone. Standing in her place, in my mirror, in front of me everyday as I perfect my eyeliner, is a stranger. A weakling afraid to ask for help. Broken, confused, and hurting, that stranger stands waiting.  She waits for the day that I recognize her. She waits for me to find the courage to see the truth.
She is me.
I am her.


I stand in front of my mirror, perfecting my eyeliner, plastering a fake smile on my face to make it out of my building. I stand there wondering, guessing, trying to remember where I went; where it was I left my strength, my courage, my integrity. I beg my memory to switch into overdrive.  I want to remember. I want to know how to find my way back.  I'd die to see that path illuminated, to have the faith in myself to find that beauty.  That gorgeous gorgeous young girl so full of life, so full of promise is waiting for me somewhere.  I know she is.  I know she's there lost and confused, wondering why I left her behind; wondering why I let someone else steal her from me.  She's there lost and confused, just as the stranger in my mirror is standing here, right in front of me broken, confused, and hurting.


They are one in the same, two parts of my soul; meant to be together. 


I leave the stranger in the mirror.
I think of the beauty waiting on my rescue.
I walk out of my room, a tattered being, nothing more than a human veil draped over fear.
As every other day, I venture to find myself again. I venture to find that beauty, some days one step closer, some days thrown back an immeasurable distance.