the past six months..give or take

Six Months Ago....

I would've told you I was getting married on October 23, 2010 (i.e. 5 days ago). 

I would've led you to believe I had a wonderful relationship (that's what most of my friends thought).

I would've shown you the picture of the dress I wanted.

I might have even told you I really wanted a family someday.

Inevitably, you would have met him, my fiance, that guy I was "head over heels for,"

that guy I could really barely stand.

We looked happy.

At least that's what people said.

We seemed like we had everything together.

How far from the truth.

The truth...

I nearly hated him (I don't anymore).

He made me feel like the most worthless person in the world.

He didn't respect me, but neither did I.

He was my best friend.

Really, he was my only friend.

He saw me through my worst, 

but then again, I might not have hit so low if it weren't for him.

I loved him.

I think he loved me, 

but I'm not really sure anymore.

The funny part...

Neither of us could say good-bye.

We both knew we needed to.

If it weren't for one big fight, 

we probably would've made to the altar.

We're still friends.

I guess.

I mean we talk sometimes,

hang out every now and then.

Help each other out whenever one of us hits a really rough spot.

I guess it's a little messed up really.

Post Break-up...

We lived together.

I needed out of my house.

He understood that I was going to lose it if I stayed there.

I pretty much lost it anyways living with him.

We shared an apartment for three months

I started college...

I did the whole summer school thing (while I was living with Jeff).

I had one semi-serious boyfriend (mistake).

I had one shitty job (also a mistake).

I went to counseling only to be told I couldn't be helped without a parent's signature.

I really needed it (probably still do).

 I came out of the summer with a decent gpa (3.5).

I learned that I didn't want to be an english major.

I moved into a dorm..

After a summer full of drama.

I couldn't stand it any longer.

I stayed at my mom's house for the three days before my move-in date.

I was going to try and make my relationship with john work.

It didn't, it was my fault,

I felt bad at the time, but honestly 

I don't care that much anymore.

I'm done with guys that feel like one mistake means that they can be dick-holes.

More or less...

Summer sucked (minus a few moments of awesomeness)

I did some things I probably shouldn't have.

I got hurt more than once.

Life goes on.

  

Now that we're in the present 

I still live in a dorm.

I hate it more than almost anything else.

I go to classes.

I hate most of them. 

I'm really not doing that well in them.

I'll probably fall out of the honors program after this semester.

I seriously have considered dropping out.

I don't know what I want to do.

I know that for the most part, 

I'm not happy at school.

But, for now my plan is to stay because

I don't have a job.

Or a car.

And until I can feasibly support myself.

I won't leave school (unless of course I flunk out).

I have a new boyfriend

I like him for all of the following reasons plus much lots more:

1. He's super duper nice.

2. He genuinely respects me and my desires.

3. He likes that I'm an independent person (btw. I'm regaining that super independent streak I once had)

4. When he pulls me into a giant hug, he looks me in the eyes before giving me a kiss.

5. He makes delicious breakfast. lol. :P 

More or less. He's just a pretty cool guy. He isn't surrounded by a bunch of bull shit drama. And I actually enjoy spending time with him.

It's kind of neat, we actually dated, like legitimately went out on dates and talked to one another, for like two weeks before we became a couple.  I think that's how things are supposed to work (or at least it worked well for us).

Life...

Can be a bitch sometimes,

But I guess if I take in all the good

and ignore some of the bad,

and think really really hard about the double rainbow song,

I smile quite a bit.

Really it could be a lot worse,

and things are finally looking up. :) 

 

   

 

 

 

as it turns out

Taking the ACT

easy.

Applying for college

simple.

Getting into college

no problem.

Finding the money to actually attend college this summer...

BIG PROBLEM.

It's December,

I'm supposed to start classes this summer at the University of Arkansas. I can't wait for football season [even though my team notoriously fails hard core].  I'm even warming up to the idea of [insert dramatic gasp here] school spirit,  but I'm afraid I may have one HUGE, GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS, BEASTLY problem.

Like I mentioned,

it's December.  The ACT was no problem.  Getting into school was no problem.  Now I'm to the part where I try desperately to find those hidden reserves of money that might be available to fund my education.  Here's the catch.  I'm busy.  No matter what I'm constantly working on one thing or another. It isn't exactly easy to find time to fill out application after application or to write essay after essay.  Everyone tells me that the money is just  out there waiting to be found but trust me, the finding part is NOT as easy as they all make it sound.  

So here I am sitting at my computer looking and searching for the prizes that are waiting to be claimed but after investigating web page after web page I'm still in a mild panic. I'm done with high school in May.  That's five months.  I've got five months to figure out where I'm going to get $3000 plus to fund my summer semester.  

Needless to say my mind feels as if it's going to explode.

I've got about three weeks until I find out if I get any type of scholarships from the U of A;

There's a grand waiting for me if I can just save $25o of my own;

And of course there always things like grants and loans;

but nevertheless I have no idea when or if I'm actually going to get the money I need.

Officially,

I've been accepted to the University of Arkansas

I got my letter last Friday.  All that's left to do is wait for orientation and pray that I find enough funds.  I'm starting in the summer (basically to keep myself busy) and if god shedeth his light upon me I won't completely fail. 

 So graduation is on May 21st

I kind of feel like it's a long time from now, but it seems as though the year is speeding by me with little to no mercy.  Eight weeks into my senior year and all I've really accomplished is to get accepted to college.  I've yet to start any of the nine hundred thousand essays I need to write begging those more fortunate than I to please, please, please fund my college experience.  Here soon I'm supposedly meeting with some official for this "Cash for College" program my counselor keeps trying to push.  I hate interviews. Well, actually I hate the idea of interviews [never actually been to one].   I think if I can manage to make all my deadlines I should definitely be okay for fall semester, but I'm a little more than nervous about the funds for this summer.

So...I think I like Calculus

Except for the fact there are so many hours of homework it's nearly impossible to not be thinking about the derivative of this graph or the slope of that cure for at least a third of my day [for those of you who don't speak math...those two things are essentially the same thing].  Calculus really does come in handy though and for all of you out there who said, "oh I'll never use it in my everyday life"; well let's just say if you plan on doing anything besides being a hermit under a rock for the rest of your life, you'll probably use calculus a lot more than you realize.  I swear it's the math of the world. It's entangled amongst nearly all "basic" math.  I'm just saying...it's kind of amazing.

I should wrap this up now because...

As you probably could have guessed, I have calculus homework I should be doing.  And my English book won't read itself.  All in all, school is good, I still can't sleep, as always I procrastinate WAY too much, and I'm hopeful that the future will be better than the past.  

oh....and btw

ZOMBIELAND is an amazing movie.

until we meet again :]

as for senior year

I don't want to be negative but,

so far this year isn't looking too positive. I know it has only been three days but still I was expecting more out of those three days. I mean is it really too much to ask for class to begin on the first day? Or is it outrageous that I wasn't expecting to watch a movie for the first three days of calculus? I was part of a meritocracy in my AP Gov class, but that was really less than exciting. So far this year I've learned:

1. the juniors in my physics class are really really going to irritate me
2. my gov. teacher crushed her optical cavity when she while riding downhill on a bike
3. if too many people do well on an AP exam, the officials might come after you
4. number three really happened...at Garfield High School in L.A.
5. if you don't believe me you'll see the whole story in the movie Stand and Deliver
6. I don't in any way remember how to complete the square
7. completeing the square is aparently essential to both physics and calculus...just my luck
8. health class is secretly all about abstaining...from everything
9. those really pretty popular girls....yeah they're all pretty psyco
10. Unless of course pulling out your eyelashes is normal....

Basically, this year's starting out slowly.

I did take a pretest in English...I'm not as scared as I was.

We've also started speaking Spanish in that class, but who cares about Spanish anyways [sorry, it's just not my cup of tea].

I donated blood...

and now my arm really, really, really hurts :(

and I'm still light headed even though I donated around three o'clock yesterday :( :( :(

I want to go and take a nice long shower, but I'm really not sure that I could stand for that long. Sigh....oh well, I'm sure I'll feel better soon enough.

So right now...

I'm in the process of downloading Open Office. Supposedly it's a good alternative for those who can't afford the super expensive Microsoft Office. Let me tell you, it would be wonderful if this program is as wonderful as everyone says it is. Unfortunatley it takes forever to download....I've got an hour :(

I'm slightly terrified of my Lit class...

I went to open house at my lovely, little school and met all of my teachers (well most of them anyways). To explain why I'm so scared of this class that I've been deperately looking forward to taking I'll put you in the senario.

Slowly I walk into the classroom door.

I walk to the teacher and prepare to introduce myself.

Before I get a chance to say "Good afternoon,"

My teacher looks at me and says,

"I hear you just finished reading The Fountainhead,"

I'm taken aback. It's true that I have

recently finished reading Ayn Rand's more than lengthy novel but,

I'm wondering just exactly how she found that out.

Having finished the novel only a few days before, I had

yet to tell anyone that could have seen her.

Before I have time to completely collect my thoughts she says,

"By the way, congratulations on that four. This year you can get a five."

For anyone who doesn't know, the AP test scale is from 0-5.

I was fortunate enough to score a four on the Language and

Composition test (I'm a bit of an English nerd), however

now my Lit teacher is hoping for a five.

I've been marked as one of those crazy overacheivers.

Now I'm just a wee bit terrified of my Literature and Composition class because guess what! I'm really not an overacheiver. I'm dedicated to my studies, yes, but now I've got to put out ten times the effort I was expecting to exert, becasue apparently I've got potential. Sigh. Double sigh....deep breath in....Okay so it's not that bad. I'm simply afraid of failure.

>_<

This year should be an interesting one.

well...

So much for decisions.

I've retreated back to confusion. I'm totally undecided about college once again and I doubt I'll major in art like I really want to. I guess right now I'm looking at becoming an English major with an art minor. :/

I guess it's okay.

I mean at least I'll be able to become a teacher if I major in English, and I can always go back to finish my art degree. I can always do what I want after what's best. So...as of right now I've got more than a few college applications to fill out. *insert exhausted sigh here* I haven't even really started this whole college bit and I'm already sick of it. I'm sick and tired of the constant uncertainty. I've got so much to do to even be considered for some of the schools on my list. So much to do that I feel extremely overwhelmed. I feel like I'm never going to catch up.

Now it's time to figure it out.

To figure out where to go from here.

To decide what's best for me.

I've made a decision :D

I'm going to major in studio art.

It may not be the most profitable thing I could go to college for, but it's what I really want. I'm also probably going to major in English. It's quite a bit to take on but English and Art are my two passions and in either field I can pursue a career as a teacher. I'm not scared of the future, worst case senario I can go back for something like buissness or accounting, but right now I need to do what will make me happy. I have to at least try to acheive my dreams. I may fail and my hard work may be in vain, but I have to try to be the best person I can be in my own eyes. I have to feel comfortable with the future I'm creating for myself. I have to do this for myself.

I'm fairly sure I'm going to UALR

It's a small school. I could probably go somewhere more "prestigious" if I wanted, but that's the thing--I don't want to. I want to know my professors. I want to feel comfortable asking for help. I've grown up in a small school, I'm not ready to jump into a classroom of 500 plus students. Maybe when I go to grad school I'll dive into that world, but for now I'm pretty set on the University of Arkansas at Little Rock [go Trojans!].

Another plus, I won't have to beg this school to accept me. My GPA is more than good enough to get in and my ACT score can get me a $10,000 scholarship through the school. With that and the Arkansas Academic Challenge scholarship [$12,000], plus various others I should have no problem covering tuition [even with a double major].

Another Plus...

When I move to Little Rock I won't have to quit dancing. My dance teacher now is good friends with a spectacular dance teacher down there, and can get me into her classes no problem. It may not seem like much to most people, but I love dancing. It has become a vital part of who I am, and I'm so happy that I won't have to quit. :D

So....as for my Sr. Year

I'm looking at a pretty intense year.

I'm extremely excited though. Hopefully,

I'll be able to pass the AP tests I'll be taking

at the end of the year. That would help out with

college a lot. But even if I don't, just taking those classes

will be a big help in preparing me for what lies ahead. For

once I'm actually really looking forward to the future. I can make

it into anything I want it to be. I can create the life I want to live. :D